What an exciting title, is it not? 

I know I don't write much anymore; Xanga has become a random email in my mail box that I get so often about new credits or random people leaving comments that post I wrote about that capo I bought a long time ago. Which by the way, I accidentally mailed back with an item I was returning. 

I stopped writing because, well, I simply got out of the habit of doing so. Now that I'm taking Psychology (Oh by the way I'm in college now, attending Devry University for a degree in Game Simulation and Programming) this session, I am learning about human behaviors. I have learned that what I used to think was my great ability to ignore the negative events around me is actually a defense mechanism called denial. Which explains why every few months I have an unexpected break down where I am overcome with emotions I didn't realize I was holding in. This isn't good. I need to face what I've been experiencing and find a better way to deal with it. Which is why I'm writing now; I've just realized that my blog here was a way for me to get my thoughts in front of me and allow myself to analyse what the heck is going on. You see, Over the years I've learned to hold my emotions in because I used to be so damn sensitive. I would cry for every little thing. In reality, I'm still sensitive. I just don't cry about it any more. I pack all those emotions into a corner of my mind where they sit and mutter to each other. Eventually the corner gets too crowded and some get pushed out. Hence my sudden, unexpected break downs.

I've gotten so good at packing all those emotions away that I often forget what they were and I can never figure out what is really bothering me but when I write, those emotions come out. My fingers transfer the thoughts onto the screen where I can read what has been on my mind lately. Video games have also been a long time friend, but they do something totally different; they help me avoid reality, a form denial. I submerge my self in the worlds that other people have created in order to forget about my own. My problems are forgotten as I try to solve the problems of the character I am playing. I feel proud when I make accomplishments such as defeating a king or building a castle, such achievements that I lack in my own life.

I've recently grown more and more interest in game development, more specifically, independent games (Or indie games if you will). I didn't know until just now actually (This is why I write!). Before this post, I figured it was the feeling of creating something and having other people experience or the fun (and stress) of making things work the way I wanted them to. But really, it's because it will allow me to create my own worlds. Instead of escaping my own and playing in others, I will be applying my own problems and life to my own games. Of course that doesn't mean I will stop playing games, I doubt that will ever happen.

So, after all these years, I've made a plan of what I want to do down the road. I want to graduate from Devry with a degree in Game Simulation and Programming to land myself a job in the gaming industry. From there I'll work a few years while picking up skills and networking myself all the while starting up a studio of my own. After a few years of working as another cog in a corporate machine, I'll have enough money, experience, and renown to use my studio as my full time job. From there I'll eventually move to Sweden, to somewhere new and away from what the U.S. is descending into. 

And thats exactly what will happen.

I was just thinking about taking this opportunity to write this very poignant blog at a new website, like wordpres, blogger, or maybe tumblr. But I started they blog back in '07 when my Dad got remarried. I needed a place to speak my mind because no one else was there for me.

Now high school is over. Just like that. Quite frankly I hated my school and glad I'm finally out. I will miss the people I used to see every day and the few decent teachers that I actually respected. I'll also be missing the feeling of freedom; the freedom from responsibilities. I can no longer hide behind the veil of ignorance. I am no longer a kid and I know better. I can't just sit around anymore and pretend my life will go somewhere without my help. I'm sitting in my room, the loft at my grandmothers house, with half of the immediate family living under the same roof. Only one person works here, and it isn't my mother, but my grandpa. Mom has been unemployed for over six months now which is why we are living here today. Now that Im officially an adult and out of HS, I need to get my ass in gear. I need to get a job and I need to work hard in college so I get farther than the rest of my family. But really, I'm already quite far ahead. Because I'm one of the few in the family that has actually graduated from high school.

But I need to do more than that.

I want I be happy. I don't care if I become rich or famous, those come and go. And besides, in the end, no one is going to really care. Even if you make it into the history books, will people of the future REALLY know you? You'll only remember their accomplishments and the quote they left us with. We can only assume that they were honest and generous people.

Only the people that you actually dedicate time to, make memories with, and love, are the ones that will remember you for who you truly are. I'd rather have those few people know me for what I am, for what I represent, rather than have my name in the history books.

But the above is so far down the road. There is so much right now that I need to decide on and think about. I need to find out where my heart lies and how I'm going to get there. I need to make a living doing something. I know right now I should take what ever i can get so I can get moving, but when is it that I decide what it is that I need to do to be happy? When do I stop doing what I need to do and start doing what I want to do? Looking forward now, all I can see is stress and loads of work. I'll be living life in fast forward. When will it all slow down?

But the real question that has been hovering in my mind today:

What happens now?